im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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