my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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