i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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