im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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