someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize