i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
