I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
