Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
