WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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