i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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