Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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