I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
