I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
