You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
