I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
im on a boat
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