Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
