The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
