im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
