I'm gonna have a badass scar
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
