Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
