dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The uberlube is also flammable
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
