Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think my nap took me to another dimension
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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