i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
