Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
