does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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