I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
