oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
