it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
