Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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