the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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