ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
