He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
