Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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