he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
