im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
