I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
