We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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