when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
