For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
