Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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