She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
