Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize