Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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