I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i was born a porn star she said
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
