i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
