dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
