??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The adults are the big ones right?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
