Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
