I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize