Will you blow on my dice?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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