My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
