the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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