i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
