I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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