i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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