remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
