just come out here and I will go home with you...
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
please don't ironically join a cult
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