a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
