our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
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