made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
no you cant smoke seaweed
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
