How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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