I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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